I could never quite tell “my story” right without feeling I’d forgotten something extremely important but if I didn’t remember, then it couldn’t have been that important. I’ll be turning 19 in August; for most of my life I had a perforated heart waiting to be substantially filled. When I came into this world I had so much hope, heart and happiness. That was until I realized where I was.
From around age eight to fifteen I suffered great depression. All of my hurt and anguish was at the hands of my father. My father was an abusive man. He abused his family in more ways than one – sexually and physically towards my mother, physically towards my eldest brothers (twins) and, generously, verbally toward us all. I grew up thinking I was the “problem solver”, I grew up believing that my father wanted, finally, a girl after 3 boys. I grew up believing he had wanted me. The drinking, the abuse, the tongue-lashing – it would all stop because I was wanted and I had arrived. So I thought. At first things seemed well, but nothing had changed. My father neglected his family and cheated on his wife, he’d be missing for hours and sometimes days. My mother would cry; my brothers would seek refuge in his absence. Years later he had another daughter, and just like that I was replaced.
I always knew that my mother loves me dearly, but even to this day I could never say the same for my father. When I was old enough to understand what occurred around me reality sunk in. I would cry a lot, I would be extremely suicidal – sometimes I would sit on the kitchen floor with the knife held to my heart, lights off, just wondering what would happen next. Could anything be worse than this? I’d thought to myself but God always stopped me. I tried hurting myself, I stopped socializing, I had dreams and ambitions but at the tongue of my father I knew it would never happen. Christmas, New Years, birthdays, and other special holidays came and went for years and my father did nothing; he wasn’t even there. Many times he didn’t even know what grade I was in or how old I was.
Because I was socially inept and withdrawn in school, I didn’t really have any friends until 10th grade. The few friends I thought were dependable said hurtful things to me or treated me harshly. I’d felt as ugly, unlovable, and grey in school as I did at home. There was no escape. I’d cry at school, I’d cry at home. I had cried so much I was left bone-dry and angry. Everything made me angry. The world was just a horrible place where beautiful people held ugly, selfish hearts; no one cared about anyone else and if they did, it was only temporary and a visage. Later I learned every trial was just a matter of perception.
I had heard about God, didn’t have any thoughts about Him. Besides, what kind of God would bring me into such an awful world? Somehow, we had reconnected. He intervened. At fifteen, while my brother was in Police Academy, my mother and I packed up and left my father’s house. That night the bills weren’t paid as usual, the electricity was off and my mother was tired. It was the best night of our lives. We didn’t have any money but God worked in our favor and my mother made $2600 in one day. We all moved in a 1-bedroom efficiency but it was like heaven at home. After that things went up hill. My grades improved, I made a particular best friend, “Limpy,” who I still cherish to this day and other friends, my mother’s business boomed, my third brother became a wonderful officer, and I was crediting God before even really knowing Him.
Slowly, I grew in my faith. I realized that everything was orchestrated so that I could be reconciled with God. Everything happens for a reason so that I may be drawn toward Him. I began praying, watching sermons, speaking to God. Through my life He’s also touched the hearts of some of my friends and family. I can see their lives changing. I’m also proof that praying for Christ to come into your heart is powerful even if you don’t completely believe.
Fast forward to today, I know I am fearfully and wonderfully made with a purpose. I can encourage someone who is depressed; uplift someone who’s feeling down. I can never forget what my Father has done for me, and continues to. As I strive for my Forensic Accountancy certification – dual degree in Accounting and Criminology – I will implement programs for children and adolescents in abusive homes, making sure to tell them about the Gospel. I can be an inspiration to those who never felt good enough, felt unloved and alone. I can be a miracle to them.
My relationship with my earthly father has also improved. I still can’t trust him completely but I know I don’t have to; I simply must trust in the Heavenly Father who never abandoned me, never forsake me, never stopped loving, and thinks I’m a Princess. My name is Philly, God saved me from a life of grey. He gave up His life so that I may be Saved. To Him be all the Glory!
If you want to give your life to Christ right now, maybe you don’t fully believe but you want to experience His love, please say this prayer below:
Dear, Lord Jesus I accept Your gift of salvation. I believe You are the Son of God and died for my sins. I have not been living my life for You but from now on I will. Please, come into my heart and life. I accept You as my personal and only Savior. Thank You, Jesus. Amen.